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So there I was
on Sunday morning thinking to myself “I wish I could watch some
football today” when I remembered that last Saturday the pitch
announcer at Loftus Road mentioned a celebrity game at Aldershot
Military Stadium involving ex QPR players. Excellent I thought,
a chance to catch some of the greats in action!
So off I
toddled to join the thousands of QPR fans likely to be roaring
on their one time heroes. I arrived at the Military stadium
shortly before kick off only to be told to park down the road,
"there's a car park down there". Off I went to find a few
spaces. Well, thank goodness I thought, it’s a good job I'm here
early as they'll never get all of us in this car park. Oh, wait
a minute, its five minutes to kick off, they must be somewhere
else! So I walked round to the front of the stadium to find a
small fire exit ajar and headed over.
In I wandered
and paid my crisp fiver to the nice lady, next thing I knew I
was in the stand looking for a space. Well, that’s not strictly
true to be honest. The 2000 odd seater stand had more seats
available than a Chelsea European cup night. I joined two old
ladies having a fag and a young couple with two of those
incredibly annoying children that just run around the seats
chasing each other all afternoon until inevitably one of the
gets his leg stuck down the back of a flip up chair and starts
bawling his eyes out.
So, slightly
less excited than I was before, I grabbed my glossy eight page
programme (in fact an advertisement for the sponsors - some
unknown football boot company) to check on the teamsheet. I feel
before any of you read on, you should see the teams now...
Nomis Elite
(yep, that’s the celebrities)
This is the
actual programme listing:
Danny Bailey -
ex Reading & Farnborough
Dennis Bailey - ex Birmingham, Charlton and QPR
Luther Blissett - ex Watford, AC Milan & England
Alex Bonnot - ex Paris St Germain and Watford (it didn’t mention
us)
Steve Brookstein - X Factor
Will Brown - Ordinary Boys
Lee Charles - Ex QPR
Pete Doherty - Rock Star - Baby Shambles
Dan Ferrall - model
Paul Kelly - ex Fulham
Karl Ready - ex QPR and Motherwell
Kenny Sansom - ex Arsenal and England
Andy Sinton - ex Spurs QPR Wolves and England
DJ Spooney - DJ and Radio 5 live 606
Ben Walsh - Dream Team
Warren Waugh - Dream Team
Devon White - ex Watford and QPR
Matt - model
Sonny - Hollyoaks
Manager - Brian Rowe.
and
The Army
Football Association
...21 blokes
from the army
So, having
read that list of players, you are probably thinking the same as
me. What idiot thought that they had any chance of getting Pete
Doherty to either a) be sober or clean enough to get up on a
Sunday afternoon, or b) be released from his holding cell in
Paddington Nick in time?
Anyway having
looked at the players list I started to realise the connection
between them and the chosen charity, "Saving Faces", and looked
tentatively towards the game.
They kicked
off and the first chance came quickly to Spoony who failed to
get any kind of connection on the ball and he more "forked" it
than "spooned" it. The next action was up the other end where
umm, an Army Bloke shot low requiring a good save round the
post. It was a good ten minutes before anything else of note
happened and it was another Army bloke who knocked the ball over
the bar. I didn’t think the celebs were doing bad here
considering they had a creaking Luther Blissett and a larding
Karl Ready in the centre of defence.
My eyes were
more on Andy Sinton though who was clearly the celebs best
player and was starting to reflect that with the kicking the
army blokes were giving him, one of which ended up with an army
bloke knocking the ball over the bar from thirty yards.
Things nearly
got exciting after twenty minutes when Sinton put Spoony through
but again he shot straight at the keeper. The manager clearly
thought the attack needed beefing up so brought on Dennis
Bailey. Bailey replaced Ben Walshe, now the programme says he
was from Dream Team, but he looked remarkably like a cross
between our old Ben Walshe and our current kit man at Rangers,
but with a sack of potatoes stuffed down the back of his pants.
The announcer
then said he was taking off Dan Ferral but I had been under the
impression this was Alex Bonnot for most of the game, so I was
starting to lose track. He brought on Steve Brookstein. I know
very little about his singing abilities, but if it was akin to
his football, I can see why he doesn’t have too many hit
records.
But I digress
from the action, the keeper made a fine save from an army bloke,
and two minutes later another one, from, errr, an army bloke but
their luck couldn’t last too much longer. On thirty minutes Army
Bloke ran through, met a cross from the left and smashed it into
the top corner for 1-0.
Two minutes
later it was 2-0, another army bloke met a cross two yards out
for a tap in. Now this bloke had a name and was announced as
Keith Emerson. I have to say, prog rock fans will be pleased to
know the former Emerson Lake and Palmer man is looking fit as a
fiddle. This was followed by the celebs best moment, a double
effort by Sinton.
Like so many
Rangers fans before him, the manager had seen enough of Karl
Ready by now and it was time to sub him. It comes to something
when you are subbed for some bloke from Hollyoaks whose name
nobody knows.
Probably the
funniest moment of the match was five minutes from time when the
army blokes broke through the defence, took it round the keeper
and thought they'd do one of those "EASY" moments and tap it to
each other on the goal line. However, unfortunately for him, at
around thirty centimetres out he passed it forward and it was
ruled offside!
At least I
thought that was the funniest moment but it was quickly followed
by the introduction of a weeble. The announcer said it was Kenny
Sansom, but it could easily have been Cyril Smith (look him up
younger readers!). That was his lot though, he never came back
in the second half. Seconds before half time our Old Trafford
hat trick hero Dennis Bailey managed a shot just before the
whistle went but it went narrowly wide.
Half-time
entertainment was predictable, a penalty shootout for charity
and Round The Pole. The former was noticeably more interesting
than the latter mainly on account of there being three foxy
looking female models sticking their legs in the air. The winner
got a bottle of champers to no doubt share with the footballing
hero of her choice which you would assume obviously wasn’t
going to be Karl Ready. Shortly after half time the shiny headed
hoofer walked past the dugout in his spiv like sports jacket and
I couldn’t help wonder if some nervous celebs had voted for him
to get the early bath having read about his alleged exploits in
the newspapers.
Nevertheless
the excitement swelled amongst the touching three figures crowd
as the military boys quickly surged into a 3-0 lead. Not
perturbed the celebs quietly decided to throw on a couple of
players extra without the ref knowing, hoping that numbers would
help. They didn’t and a fourth goal quickly followed from
another army bloke. They were pressing on now as a rather
rubbish army bloke skied over the bar Nygaard style from a yard
out.
By this point
the ref had given up trying to keep control and was having a
quick chortle to himself as the celebs threw on another couple
of players to swell their numbers to fifeen on the pitch. It all
began to look a little crowded and sure enough a "celeb" known
only as "Matt, the Model" got one for the challengers.
At 4-1 it was
all go and the ball was pinballing around the middle of the
pitch like one of those games you used to play at school during
lunchtime with a tennis ball. The ball appeared in front of the
forgettable "Justin from Hollyoaks" and it was 4-2. It didn’t
last long though and on sixty five minutes an army bloke ran
half the length of the pitch to net for 5-2. At this point the
army started to take the piss a bit. Now I know that the celebs
had fifteen players on the pitch and still looked rubbish, but
there was no need to rub it in by putting a dwarf in goal
and making him wear the previous goalkeepers shirt which came
down to his feet. Seriously this guy was a dead ringer for R2-D2
in a football shirt.
But that was
all it needed... the moment I, and the rest of the five QPR
supporters that had turned up, had waited for... the ball broke
in midfield to Dennis Bailey, he surged forward and knocked it
wide to Andy Sinton, who shimmied past one player, dinked it
past another, and breathlessly swiped the ball low into the far
right corner from twenty yards! That was it, that was all I
wanted to see, the magic of yesteryear still existed. Even the
ref agreed and blew the whistle a minute early.
We could all
go home satisfied, that not only had we seen Sinton roll back
the years, but that the promised sight of Devon White was simply
a bluff to give the Army blokes a false sense of security!
varc@qprnet.com |
